Wunk & Fagnalls Handbook for the Aspiring Freebooter

An Honest and Forthright Introduction to Modern Piracy

The first thing that one should ask one’s self before reading the rest of this most excellent and reasonably priced handbook is, “Is the pirate life for me?”


Not convinced? Sure you have what it takes? Before one undertakes the adventure that is modern airship piracy, one should take careful inventory of one’s life. If for no other reason than to get a proper life insurance assessment1. Ask yourself the following:

  • Do I have anything to live for?
  • Do I have any loved ones?
  • Do I like not having to share a floating house with 30 other people?
  • Am I bothered by poor hygiene?
  • Are regular meals a necessity?
  • Do I have strong morals and/or ethics?
  • Do I wish to enjoy old age and retirement?

Also consider your feelings on:

  • Death by hanging
  • Death by firing squad
  • Death by plank walking2
  • Death by laser
  • Death by back stabbing
  • Death by face stabbing
  • Death by scurvy
  • Death by poor workplace safety3

If you find yourself at issue with any of the previous, then the advice would be:


…still here? Good. We can get on with things.

Being an airship pirate is AWESOME. Are you kidding? You get a ray gun and an eye patch! We highly recommend it to anyone not immediately turned off by the details. Sure there is some unpleasantness involved, but we find that boozing up in port allows one to get over that. Also, you get to booze up in port.

The truth is, that anyone can become a pirate. The goal of this handbook is to set your expectations and expand your skill set so that you may endeavor to become a successful pirate. With the proper tools, training, and morally dubious outlook, you too can one day captain your own pirate vessel.

(1) This is a lie. No insurance company outside of an insane asylum would pay out for piracy related death. They file it as a “suicide” and move on. The reader is left to draw their own conclusions from this fact.

(2) Technically it’s not the walking of the plank that is the cause of death, but the fact that said plank is 300 meters above the ground. It really should be called, Death by ground.

(3) See (2). Death by ground.

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